I've heard your pretty speeches. I've been cut to shreds.
The reason I'm typing this now is that I'm drunk and I have no friends, have alienated my family and I need to tell someone that I want to be dead. I have nobody to tell. So I'm telling you.
It's easier when I don't know who you are. I don't intend to die today or tomorrow, but I don't know when the day will come.
I called this the dog park diaries because whenever I think about writing what I'm thinking and feeling it's when I'm walking around the nearby lake with my two labradors. It's a nice spot where you can let the dogs off lead to play with other dogs and make small talk with the other dog owners. That's the hardest part for me - talking to other people.
I have never been a social butterfly. I've never had the ability to just talk, either to random strangers or other people who I cross paths with on a regular basis. I lost that ability when I was a child. I can't attribute the exact reason, but I know it's something that's always been there. When I talk to other people I spend more time in my head than in natural conversation with them.
There's a woman I see regularly at the dog park and make small talk with. She's pretty and I like talking to her, but I know my stunted sociability precludes a chance of ever sparking something with her. The biggest risk of "taking the plunge" and trying to initiate some kind of relationship is that it'll backfire in rejection and it will ruin the status quo, thus poisoning the well for both of us (and our dogs!) in terms of going back to the dog park again.
But regardless of that, I want to be dead. For the past few months I've been driven into a deeper and darker depression than I've ever felt. I am the only person in my world who cares about me and with all the other hassles and issues in my life, that's not enough to want to continue.
I'm not going to kill myself today or tomorrow. But some day I will.
